Why relationships are a lot like fire

I went fishing with a couple of friends today. Standing by the side of a lake, life often starts making much more sense than it does while you're sitting in an office, wishing that gravity will pull the hour hand of the clock on your wall to 5 o'clock. It's also good for dealing with all kinds of crap.


Admittedly, me and my friends were ill prepared for the braai (barbecue, for my international readers) that we had planned. Fire lighters were in scarce supply, and with only a couple of blocks of charcoal on hand, we were forced to make do with wood and dry reeds. Since we also didn't have an axe, we had to use other pieces of wood or rocks to smash wood into pieces small enough to start a fire. Preparing raw meat on an open fire and using rocks as tools – if we carried on any longer, I'm pretty confident that we would've invented the wheel.

Was it not for bad planning, this blog post would not have come to life. You see, while trying to make a fire, I realised that relationships were very similar to what we were engaging in. (A special thanks goes out to Prometheus and Aphrodite)

When you make a fire, you start small. You throw dry grass and very thin pieces of wood onto the fire. No matter how good a fire-starter you think you are, you can't go throwing huge logs onto a fire that hasn't even started burning yet; it just doesn't work that way. Start small, get it burning properly before trying to put any huge logs (i.e. 'I log you') into it, otherwise you'll just kill it. Just because a fire is small, doesn't mean that it isn't burning. Nothing starts big, and no matter how much it seems to suck, you've got to do the small things first – that's just the way it works.

Have you ever noticed that charcoal makes an awesome fire? Why? Here's my opinion – it's because it's been burned a bit before – it's learned how to burn. Sometimes, you might come across a beautiful, juicy, young tree that no one has ever used to make a fire with – very pretty and attractive, but it's a bad idea to try and make a fire with it. It'll make a lot of smoke and a fire that won't last long. Before being able to burn really well, it needs to dry out and burn a bit and be stuffed in a brown paper bag marked 'Charcoal'. (Guys, please don't grab random girls and stuff them in brown paper bags. Use cloth sacks – that makes it easier for them to breathe.) For your own safety, before starting a fire with anyone, make sure that they're not still burning for their previous fire, otherwise, someone will end up gettting hurt. Yes, that means get over your ex - I can't stress the importance of this enough. (Oh, and by the way, nothing in this paragraph refers to sex.)

On the subject of burning – a lot of people die because of real fires (3.4% of deaths in the US, according to statistics). I haven't got any statistics on this, but I'm sure that a lot of people die because of metaphorical fires as well; if not physically, emotionally. Fire is great – as long as it's controlled and not controlling. Never, ever, allow a relationship to control you. Fire gives us light and warmth, but when it goes rampant it can also give you loads of pain and burns and scars that take a very long time to go away; if they ever go away, that is. Control it and keep it healthy and productive!

A fire rarely starts by itself – it's either due to some jerk leaving glass lying near dry grass, or it's started by someone for a purpose. If you start a fire (metaphorically), your reason should be the latter, not the former. Unlike logs and dry grass, we humans have feelings (even us strong, tough men). Random, uncontrolled fires cause chaos and heartache. Before lighting anything, make sure that that is what you really want to do, and that it is where you really want to start a fire. Don't go starting a fire at location Y, even though you really wanted to start a fire at location X, but it was unavailable. Even more so, if you have already tried making a fire at location X, and it didn't work, don't even try it again! (Shame on you, you fooled me once; shame on me, you fooled me twice.)

A fire doesn't keep burning by itself – you need to keep it burning. You keep it burning by paying attention to it and nurturing it. Same with relationships – they don't magically work, they take work. Do sweet little things for each other, talk, spend time together, whatever it takes.

Once in a while, some [censored] will come along and take your fire. This often leaves a man with an urge to set said [censored] on fire (not the nice, romantic, metaphorical kind, but the nice, painful, scorching kind). Sadly, although he probably deserves it, it won't get you your fire back. You just have to pull yourself together and make a new fire – you don't want the old, burned out fire back once the [censored] is done with it. However, when applied to relationships, give yourself some time to get over the old one (by crying, screaming or setting things on fire) before pursuing a new one, otherwise you'll end up increasing the circle of hurt, and the wrong people will get hurt.

Lastly, I want to leave you with this. Fires are a source of light in the darkness, fires make you warm, fires are pretty cool to look at and one gets a great sense of achievement from starting a good fire (at least, guys do). However, the sun is also a source of light, it makes you warm and it's pretty cool to look at, even though you didn't create it and it's not intimately bound to you. Don't forget that – relationships are awesome, but they're not the only thing that can make your life awesome.

The new list

In my previous post, I promised that I'd come up with a new list of things that I want to do before I turn 23.

Unlike the previous list, this one is divided into the following categories; Probably, Wouldn't Mind and Awesome! (but unlikely). The probably category includes the things that I am quite confident about, Wouldn't Mind includes things that would be pretty cool to do, and that I've got a chance of doing and Awesome! (but unlikely) includes the things that would totally blow my mind, and although they're possible, it's unlikely that I'll achieve them any time soon.

Probably
- I want to do an advanced driving course. (This was on the list for last year, but I couldn't make it, mostly due to finances. )
- I want to finish the golf course at Midstream Estate in under forty strokes. That's far from turning pro, but hey, you have to start somewhere.
- I want to raise money for a worthy cause.
- I want to improve my English.
- I want to improve my leadership skills.
- I want to start my own business.
- I want to 'do' more than I 'say'.
- I want to get an awesome girlfriend and keep her. (Yes, I'm being optimistic here.)
- I want to write a blog post at least once a week.
- I want to write at least one piece of prose or poetry each month.
- I want to read at least one book a month.

Wouldn't Mind
- I want to buy a German car. (Preferably a BMW or a Merc)
- I want to go to South America and take part in relief work/humanitarian aid project.

Awesome! (but unlikely)
- I want to buy a Porsche.
- I want to open a coffee-shop.
- I want to open a classy restaurant.
- I want to start a fast food franchise.

One year later...

So... it's been 367 days since my first (and thus far, most inspiring) blog post. A lot has happened since then, and a lot hasn't happened. Last year, I set a number of goals for myself. Since I said that I'd report back, here goes.

I wanted to do an advanced driving course – Sadly, I didn't make this one, so it's coming on the new list.

I wanted to get a steady girlfriend and share hundreds of happy moments with her – Well, I got the girlfriend, but we only got up to about 99 happy moments before she decided to dump me. Due to a standard “it's not you it's me”-speech, this reappears on the new list.

I wanted to finish the last golf course that I played in under forty strokes – Sadly, I haven't played on that course since last year. Thus, it goes on the new list.

I wanted to raise some money for a worthy cause – I was involved in some fund-raising for church, but that didn't feel very life-changing – hence, this also made it onto the new list.

I said that I wanted to get a new car – I got two. (One was written off by a guy who didn't bother to look where he was driving.)

I wanted to improve my English – I learned a couple of new words, but this one stays on the list.

I wanted to write a small computer game – Finally, we come to a goal that I reached. I wrote a small Battleships-like game with AI and everything. High five!

I wanted to transform my study from a mess into a harmonious working environment – Success! My study is far less messy than it used to be; it now features diplomas on the wall, and I bought new furniture.

I wanted to learn leadership skills – My leadership skills improved a bit over the course of the past year; I got elected as the chairman of a commission and I got more involved in youth work. However, I have no chance of wiping out the opposition in a presidential election, so this also stays on the list.

I wanted to learn more about people – I did, but not necessarily in a positive way. What I learned is this – people are full of crap.

I wanted to read at least five books – I lost count somewhere between ten and twenty. Mission accomplished!

I wanted to finish my degree with a bunch of distinctions – After many hours and late nights of hard work, I finished my degree with First Class Honours. In future, you may refer to me as Mr. Nel.

I wanted to bring a few business ideas to life – Nothing is alive and kicking yet, but if the ideas were like a sparkle in a young couple's eyes last year, we now have a positive pregnancy test. This also goes on the new list.

I wanted to buy some shares – Indirectly, I did. I invested some money towards my retirement, and some of that goes into shares.

I wanted to say less and do more – Unfortunately, this is still the wrong way around. Expect to see it on the new list.

I wanted to overcome logorrhea – See above.

You can expect to see my list of goals for the next year soon.